i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
