she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just had sex on a roof
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
