What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
