lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I don't deserve a penis
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize