Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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