youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
