Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
