Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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