I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
