I looked at my own cervix.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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