Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
