dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
