so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
