My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
