she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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