She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
