There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
