Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
