my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize