They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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