The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize