Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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