Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
