So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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