his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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