I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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