I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I wish there were birth control emojis
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
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