cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
