I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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