the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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