I faked an abortion last night.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
