Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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