He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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