I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
