Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
