Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
