...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
