Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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