For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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