Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i was born a porn star she said
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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