This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
