My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
