New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
