I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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