I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
