she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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