i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
