I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Dick very happy bro
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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