There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize