I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize