U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
