be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
