Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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