We won't sleep together?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize