I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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