I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
