You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
