so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
NoShamevember. You game?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
