I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
