I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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