before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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