omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
