Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
