so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
