On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She bit a glass in half.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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