Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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