Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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