Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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