They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
