The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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