Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
